trying to be better

Look into her eyes
You can see she's crying out
She hides behind her smile
You can see the pain of doubt
And if you would hold her close
You could feel the brokenness inside
You would know she feels alone
She feels empty

She needs more than a hug on a holiday
She needs more than a smile on a Sunday
She's not looking for you to fix what's wrong
She really wants to know
Really wants to know she belongs
She needs more than a love song

Listen to her now
Broken is a beautiful sound
She's a little scared
She's afraid of falling further down
But maybe if you let her know
And gave her just a little hope
Somehow if she knew the truth
She'd come alive

She needs more than a hug on a holiday
She needs more than a smile on a Sunday
She's not looking for you to fix what's wrong
She really wants to know
Really wants to know she belongs
She needs more than a love song

In the end
We will learn
Actions speak louder then our words

She needs more than a hug on a holiday
She needs more than a smile on a Sunday
She's not looking for you to fix what's wrong
She really wants to know
Really wants to know she belongs
She needs more than a love song

- Fireflight, More Than A Love Song

I'm so bad at this!

All I can say is wow...snaps for me (sorry; Legally Blonde 2 reference). I think this is a personal best as far as the length in time between blogs. My last one was in May? What is wrong with me? Dumb dumb dumb. I guess that is all I can say. Life has been, well, life. Doing the school thing, doing the work thing, doing the trying to get into the military thing. It's very...difficult. I've wanted to give up so many times. It would be so easy to just walk away from school, walk away from U-Haul, walk away from all the stress of trying to balance everything. It's making me sick, making it so I can't sleep at night and am turning into a zombie during the day.

And oh man...you wouldn't believe all the fricking hoops I'm having to jump through for the Air Force. I understand that it's a very good military branch, but you would think that when someone gets the second possible highest score that you can receive for the USAF ASVAB that they would be really eager to get them in. Nooo... it's: get this court document [do you NOT KNOW that to get one of those documents reprinted I have to try and get the record unsealed? That it takes 5-7 weeks to just get approved to start trying to open the file? Why can't they just take the adoption agency's word for it?), get this paperwork from CapitalOne (to prove that I am trying to pay off my debt), have written statements as to both why I adopted out my child and why I got credit card debt (which besides owing several hundred dollars on my credit card I have good credit) that must be approved by the Comanding Officer or I can be disqualified from the AF, have official transcripts from my college to be approved for an improved ranking, applications, medical records from the birth and pregnancy that show I am healthy enough for service, VERY invasive physicals, and multiple other things. If one thing is wrong, that's it...I can't be in the Air Force. And my parents wonder why I'm stressed?!? I'm trying to run around gathering all these things, work every single chance I get, go to classes, and study, all without a car while under a time crunch, and they don't get why I'm having issues??? I'm paying rent, tuition, bus fare, school supplies, food, cell phone, and credit card, and my friends wonder why I never have money??? Argh! How can so many people not see past their own lives to try and understand what another person may be having to do?

Rant rant rant rant rant....I know. I'm sorry...I really am. I didn't get much sleep yesterday and have a lot on my mind. Though I've come to determine two different things: One has to do with a revelation about my self-image, and the other has to do with being honest with my self.

The first thing that I've realized and come to terms with is that I will never be the type of person that can be described as beautiful. I'm short, stocky, clumsy,, often shy, and one of the guys. I have a young face, choppy hair, and a cheerful attitude. Whenever someone is asked how they would describe me and my looks, they always answer with "you are cute!" At first this annoyed me because cute is how you describe a puppy or what a mother says about her child (or rather, what my mother says about me). A girl generally doesn't want to hear that she's cute; she wants to hear adjectives like sexy, beautiful, amazing, jaw-dropping, gorgeous, etc. But you know what? I'm happy being "cute". I like not constantly worrying about my looks or if my hair and make-up are perfect. I feel comfortable in both a dress and baggy jeans with layered shirts and a beanie. I'm happy being a tomboy. I enjoy being bouncy and laughing, making a total dork out of myself and cheering up my friends. And guess what? While "cute" may not turn heads like "beautiful", once someone gets to know me, they LIKE me. I don't need to be admired; I would prefer to be liked. I don't get insulted now that even with my 21st birthday being 2 days away I have people asking if I'm 16 or 17. Now, I can just laugh it off because hey...I'm happy just being who I am.

The second one is a little bit more frustrating I think...

I could very easily fall in love with my best friend. *raises eyebrow* not Kurtis or Manda. The third one. I know that I could love him, if I only let myself. Unfortunately, you remember the guy I mentioned in the last post? The one who kept changing his mind about liking me? It's him. I was good, I was fine, I was over it, until I got this:

so heres what im thinking caity, when i get back to washington we should go on a real date, which is weird cause we go out on what most people would consider "REAL" dates all the time as friends lol. i dont want to freak you out or anything cause were friends but just let me know what you think- laterz

and of course, this throws me through a loop. It just brings back what was happening before he left for Iraq, so I responded with:

Hahaha yea it's true people would consider what we've done in the past as "dating". It doesn't freak or weird me out at all, but I do want to know why? Or what brought this up?

I wasn't expecting what came next.

i dont really know i just have been thinking about our friend ship alot latly and u and i have a better relationship than a lot of married people do and we have known each other for a long time. i could just see us being happy together

Now see this, this didn't make me all warm and fuzzy like you would expect. A normal person would get all gushy going "oh wow...he's over risking his life in the military, and he's thinking of me." Well, we all know I'm not normal. I got pissed. All I could think of was how he had put me on an emotional rollercoaster the whole time I've known him (not like he meant to for the most past), and now that he was HALFWAY AROUND THE WORLD, he realized I could be good for him? Wtf?! After I got over the initial anger, I started thinking more practically. I realized that he is over in the middle of a desert away from his friends and family. Of course he is going to be lonely, especially since a lot of the guys in his unit have left a girl behind. So, he could make it back to the states and soon as he is around all the civilian girls I will fall back into the "friend category". I discussed it with a couple friends, and they told me to turn him down. That it could just end up with me hurt again, and it wasn't worth it. You see, if he had told me he liked me and wanted to try before he was leaving, I would have been willing to wait the 6 months for him to return...but at this point, no. I gave him this response

I've been thinking about it and I guess the best answer I can give is "we will see what happens". There's still several months until then and things/emotions can change. *shrug* I'm kind of confused about a couple things but there is no point in getting into it... Ok?

Well, I think I was diplomatic about it. And then, we started instant messaging. And once again, my thoughts went to "oh man, just talking to him cheers my day and makes me smile". He's just, ugh...I can't even explain it. He is the one person that I can sit in total silence with and not have it be awkward at all, with no feelings of needing to even turn on the tv or fill a void. He knows exactly how to make me smile, to put me at total ease and make it so there is no such thing as stress anymore. He's completely right; we could be really happy together. So I took my advice, the discussions with my friends and the anger, and threw them out the window. I asked if the option to date was still on the table, and was delighted when he said it was up to me. I told him that I want to try, and we've been constantly talking ever since. We email back and forth for hours, generally between 3 pm and 10 pm (my time), and then yesterday because I was pulling an all-nighter, from 3 am on. We talk about silly stuff, serious stuff, him getting bombed and me getting showered in schoolwork, everything. It's just...ugh! I wish someone else had a person like this in their life so they could understand what I'm talking about. If I could take my heart out of my rusted shut iron rib-cage, I would fall in love with him in half a second. But, I'm too scared to be hurt again. I'm too afraid to get my hopes up and think I found someone to just have him take it back once he gets home to the States and back in his element.

Wow.... that was a dark moment

I am much better now lol. I had a fun time with the family on Monday, and I'm back to thinking positively. I've been way too lax about my diet lately, so I'm thinking I'm going to do a 3 day water fast to get the impurities out and start again. I want to be able to run until feel like I'm going to die lol. Well, or at least feel like I'm going to puke. I WILL get into the Marines. That isn't just a goal but it WILL happen. I'm too determined to not let it. I WILL get my degree in December, and I will STOP feeling sorry for myself about boys. They are just a distraction at the moment. I will have plenty of time for them when I have accomplished something with myself. If I let boys get on the brain then I will become very pathetic in feeling sorry for myself and I won't let that happen. I have too much going on to become dragged down by a non-consequential matter.

However, putting that aside, I did come to a conclusion today that while opposites may attract, they are not conducive to a good relationship. While it is healthy to disagree every once in a while, you cannot have a healthy relationship if you can't ever agree on anything. I was dating a guy that was like that. He was into politics and philosophy, and I'm into law and practicality. I listen to just about everything, he only listened to one type of music. I read many different types of books and he would ONLY read biographies/autobiographies or philosophical books. He believed that all drugs should be legalized and in 3rd trimester abortions, and I am solidly against that. The list went on and on and I realized that I was just getting too angry. Our debates had long gone past the friendly stage. He makes a good friend but wouldn't have made a very good boyfriend for me. It took a little while after that, but we are back to being on friend terms. That is very enjoyable.

Anyways, it is time for me to head out to class. Contracts may not be the most fascinating subject in the world, but at least we got past Consideration so maybe I will no longer get the urge to fall asleep in class.

The last one left much to be imagined, so I figured I need to expand. Life has been crazy, so I'm sorry I haven't posted. Work, school, family, friends, trying to get a future have taken over me and my brain.

I'm in such a bad place right now... I'm lonely. So incredibly lonely. The last time I cuddled or was really held by anyone was in fucking October. I've been shot down in one way or another by two different guys in the same week. I think that is a "personal best" for me. One totally boggled my mind because he told me a couple different times in the past month or two that he liked me, and I had even forwarded the texts to my best friend because I was so excited. On sunday he said that he's "never really had any romantic feelings about us" and doesn't ever remember saying something to the contrary. I asked manda if I was crazy and imagined the texts, and she said no that she remembers reading them. We can't figure out why he is saying this now or if something was just off with him then. I don't know. My brain won't let me drop this....it's so hard to know that I'm just, not likeable I guess. I'm so fucking tired of being so single! If I was dating that would be different but I'm not even doing that. It just sucks... I've been doing all these things that you think would make it easier to get asked out, not harder (and no I'm not talking about turning into a slut). I'm tired of making myself vulnerable by putting myself out there. I have people push me all the time telling me to, "say what's on your mind. Let them know what's going on. You will be amazed by what will happen." You know what happens? I get hurt. It's so much easier to just keep it to myself and wonder instead of actually letting it out.

I want to go get another tattoo. I like how it physically and mentally feels. It's actually a very gratifying experience and leaves me with something that is lasting. A visible memory instead of one just trapped in my head. God why can't I forget things? Stuff gets stuck in there and just stays....painful things stay. I play it over and over in my head if I have nothing else going on. Why does the world think I read and listen to music so much? Keeps the thinking at bay. Thinking is hazardous to my health....thinking is what gets me depressed. [wow did you notice the segue in there? I'm rather proud of that one].

I need to get out and meet people and add to my friends, try and be around new people that aren't all in a relationship/engaged/married unlike almost every single one of my friends are now lol.

This is a really good song that I just learned of - and no it isn't just the lyrics and my depressed self (if you want to see that look at the song after this one lol)

Nothing Could Come Between Us - Theory of a Deadman

Well I'm running back and forth from here to South Carolina
Wishing you were here, I guess I should watch what I wish for

You're right on time, so invite me in
this is where your trouble begins
But I like you better than the other ones
You say I'm right when you know I'm wrong
we could never just get along
Don't you hate when it gets stuck in your mouth
and then those words get in the way
She said...

Nothing could come between us
One of those favorite things that she used to say
That's just what she said
Nothing could come between us
Sorry to say but I don't feel the same

You're so damn relentless, and you will find,
the two of us are like two of a kind
But it hits you harder than the other ones
You said it loosely, when I'm just sitting here with myself
Don't you hate when it gets stuck in your mouth
and then those words get in the way
She said...

Nothing could come between us
One of those favorite things that she used to say
That's just what she said
Nothing could come between us
Sorry to say but I don't feel the same
Since home is where the hurt is

It's on your conscience, I'm not for sale
It's on your conscience, I'm not for sale

Nothing could come, oh nothing could come
She said...

Nothing could come between us
One of those favorite things that she used to say
That's just what she said
Nothing could come between us
Sorry to say but I don't feel the same
Since home is where the hurt is

Oh nothing, oh nothing, oh nothing
It's on your conscience, I'm not for sale

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lonely Day - System of A Down

Such a lonely day
And it's mine
The most loneliest day in my life

Such a lonely day
Should be banned
It's a day that I can't stand

The most loneliest day of my life
The most loneliest day of my life

Such a lonely day
Shouldn't exist
It's a day that I'll never miss

Such a lonely day
And it's mine
The most loneliest day of my life

And if you go,
I wanna go with you
And if you die,
I wanna die with you
Take your hand and walk away

The most loneliest day of my life
The most loneliest day of my life
The most loneliest day of my life


Such a lonely day
And it's mine
The day that I am glad I survived.

Depressed....

Bad week

I'm sorry that it's taken me so long to get back to writing in this....it's been one hell of a week

Saturday: Get told that I'm being dropped to 32 hours a month, then he says something that night about maybe making it 20 a month

Sunday: My debit card gets declined at the coffee shop - start sending out applications and resumes

Monday Morning: Check out the office of student life at my school to see if there is any help I can get with paying my last tuition installment - find out that I'm not eligible for anything AT ALL

Monday afternoon: Do online applications and send out resumes until a headache the size of texas completely takes over and I have to head home

Monday evening: As I'm taking a nap on my bed, my mom comes into my room and wakes me up. Informs me that my cousin Jim was found dead in his backyard, and when my cousin Sarah was told she got so stressed that she had a massive heart attack. She's in the ICU at Stevens.

Tuesday: Inform my teachers that I may miss a day of class at some point for a funeral for my cousin, and then I get made fun of in my writing class because I enjoyed the workshop story. Was going to go visit Sarah between classes, but chickened out. Last time I was alone with someone in a hospital setting, it was watching my grandfather dying in a hospice. Was too terrified of seeing something like that again so I couldn't go...feel so guilty.

Wednesday: Spend 3 hours writing a legal letter for my legal research assignment (and that doesn't include the 1.5 hrs of research on it, 1 hour creating a professional looking letterhead, plus the class time learning how a professional legal opinion letter is written). I was so proud of it, and my study partners were all wide-eyed over how good it sounded (and these are both women who've had legal dealings or jobs while I haven't had any experience). Print it out on nice business paper and take it home. Mom looks it over and spends 20 minutes writing 2 pages of notes of how I completely screwed it up. No longer proud of it.

Thursday: Turn in the letter to class, and yea....more negative stuff. Like having all my siblings at my house and celebrating Tyler's bday, but not being able to be there because I was frickin stuck in my Family Law class learning about child support payment plans.

Today: I dunno what all will happen because my day just started. However, on the bus I realized that I'm slightly jealous of my mom. She's always been so freaking pretty. She's aging amazingly, and her smile and laugh takes years off of her life. When she was in college she was so carefree, surrounded by friends and having to beat boys off with a stick, having daddy pay for everything while she got to go out and party. And I hate being so jealous of that...I feel so petty.

would you believe me

if I said that I was trying to get better at posting? Probably not. Stupid Kurtis and his whole "lets watch a tribute to the 90's music that we grew up with"....now I have Zombie by the Cranberries stuck in my head. It was really funny though...the girl who did it left little comments all over the different song videos, and on Zombie she put "Did you know that that song was written about war?"....all we could do was laugh and go "oh she must be a blond".

(completely random note but did you notice how perfect her teeth are? I think I'm in love with her mouth...it's so expressive as she sings)

I had to add Sweet Victory by David Glen Eisley after Zombie, because you can't have just one song about war... But don't worry, the second one is positive ^_^

And you know what else? I love the Sims 2 music videos that people are making...they are just awesome. So, I will post a couple here and you can subject yourself to them if you wish, if not that's fine.

And you know that I'm going to sound really crazy for saying this, but someone with the ability should make a SMV (sim music video) using Meatloaf's songs....he's awesome. Like the song 2 out of 3; that'd be an amazing video. This song is about a guy who has a woman in love with him but he can never be with her because he is head over heels in love with someone else, and that chick is in love with another guy. It'd make a good video I think. Very sad...it's a tragic love song. There aren't enough of those out there where the song basically goes "I love you, and I'll never ever be with you, so life sucks but whatever...I'm still in love". I'm not talking about some emo song or anything, but an actual love song about unrequitted love. Yes I know I'm morbid but damnit a lot of people go through things like that.

~~~~~~after taking a break to grab a pop and finish processing the videos~~~~~~~~~~

Carrying on from my statement before... People DO go through issues like that, and just because other people don't understand or get it cuz they've never BEEN through it doesn't make the first person emo or crazy. But I mean geez... For the people that say "life sucks" or "love sucks", it isn't about life or love sucking, it's about the circumstances AROUND those two situations sucking. I know what it's like to have someone "fall in love with you" and fall out of love with you just as quickly, leaving you behind confused and hurt, not understanding how they could drop you so fast that it made your head spin and took your heart with it. I've been cheated on and dumped for someone else, but I've never been in the situation like the one Meatloaf sings about. I don't know how I would handle it; being in love with someone I will never have, unable to love anyone else. Probably not well, but in the end I would handle it. I wouldn't give up. I wouldn't let it take me over. I wouldn't let other people judge me for it just because they haven't dealt with it. Ugh I don't even know why I'm writing about this so much. When I go back and read this, it probably won't make much sense even to me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In other news, I'm a coward. But I don't feel like writing why I am right now...I'll save that utterly depressing topic for another time.