trying to be better

Look into her eyes
You can see she's crying out
She hides behind her smile
You can see the pain of doubt
And if you would hold her close
You could feel the brokenness inside
You would know she feels alone
She feels empty

She needs more than a hug on a holiday
She needs more than a smile on a Sunday
She's not looking for you to fix what's wrong
She really wants to know
Really wants to know she belongs
She needs more than a love song

Listen to her now
Broken is a beautiful sound
She's a little scared
She's afraid of falling further down
But maybe if you let her know
And gave her just a little hope
Somehow if she knew the truth
She'd come alive

She needs more than a hug on a holiday
She needs more than a smile on a Sunday
She's not looking for you to fix what's wrong
She really wants to know
Really wants to know she belongs
She needs more than a love song

In the end
We will learn
Actions speak louder then our words

She needs more than a hug on a holiday
She needs more than a smile on a Sunday
She's not looking for you to fix what's wrong
She really wants to know
Really wants to know she belongs
She needs more than a love song

- Fireflight, More Than A Love Song

I'm so bad at this!

All I can say is wow...snaps for me (sorry; Legally Blonde 2 reference). I think this is a personal best as far as the length in time between blogs. My last one was in May? What is wrong with me? Dumb dumb dumb. I guess that is all I can say. Life has been, well, life. Doing the school thing, doing the work thing, doing the trying to get into the military thing. It's very...difficult. I've wanted to give up so many times. It would be so easy to just walk away from school, walk away from U-Haul, walk away from all the stress of trying to balance everything. It's making me sick, making it so I can't sleep at night and am turning into a zombie during the day.

And oh man...you wouldn't believe all the fricking hoops I'm having to jump through for the Air Force. I understand that it's a very good military branch, but you would think that when someone gets the second possible highest score that you can receive for the USAF ASVAB that they would be really eager to get them in. Nooo... it's: get this court document [do you NOT KNOW that to get one of those documents reprinted I have to try and get the record unsealed? That it takes 5-7 weeks to just get approved to start trying to open the file? Why can't they just take the adoption agency's word for it?), get this paperwork from CapitalOne (to prove that I am trying to pay off my debt), have written statements as to both why I adopted out my child and why I got credit card debt (which besides owing several hundred dollars on my credit card I have good credit) that must be approved by the Comanding Officer or I can be disqualified from the AF, have official transcripts from my college to be approved for an improved ranking, applications, medical records from the birth and pregnancy that show I am healthy enough for service, VERY invasive physicals, and multiple other things. If one thing is wrong, that's it...I can't be in the Air Force. And my parents wonder why I'm stressed?!? I'm trying to run around gathering all these things, work every single chance I get, go to classes, and study, all without a car while under a time crunch, and they don't get why I'm having issues??? I'm paying rent, tuition, bus fare, school supplies, food, cell phone, and credit card, and my friends wonder why I never have money??? Argh! How can so many people not see past their own lives to try and understand what another person may be having to do?

Rant rant rant rant rant....I know. I'm sorry...I really am. I didn't get much sleep yesterday and have a lot on my mind. Though I've come to determine two different things: One has to do with a revelation about my self-image, and the other has to do with being honest with my self.

The first thing that I've realized and come to terms with is that I will never be the type of person that can be described as beautiful. I'm short, stocky, clumsy,, often shy, and one of the guys. I have a young face, choppy hair, and a cheerful attitude. Whenever someone is asked how they would describe me and my looks, they always answer with "you are cute!" At first this annoyed me because cute is how you describe a puppy or what a mother says about her child (or rather, what my mother says about me). A girl generally doesn't want to hear that she's cute; she wants to hear adjectives like sexy, beautiful, amazing, jaw-dropping, gorgeous, etc. But you know what? I'm happy being "cute". I like not constantly worrying about my looks or if my hair and make-up are perfect. I feel comfortable in both a dress and baggy jeans with layered shirts and a beanie. I'm happy being a tomboy. I enjoy being bouncy and laughing, making a total dork out of myself and cheering up my friends. And guess what? While "cute" may not turn heads like "beautiful", once someone gets to know me, they LIKE me. I don't need to be admired; I would prefer to be liked. I don't get insulted now that even with my 21st birthday being 2 days away I have people asking if I'm 16 or 17. Now, I can just laugh it off because hey...I'm happy just being who I am.

The second one is a little bit more frustrating I think...

I could very easily fall in love with my best friend. *raises eyebrow* not Kurtis or Manda. The third one. I know that I could love him, if I only let myself. Unfortunately, you remember the guy I mentioned in the last post? The one who kept changing his mind about liking me? It's him. I was good, I was fine, I was over it, until I got this:

so heres what im thinking caity, when i get back to washington we should go on a real date, which is weird cause we go out on what most people would consider "REAL" dates all the time as friends lol. i dont want to freak you out or anything cause were friends but just let me know what you think- laterz

and of course, this throws me through a loop. It just brings back what was happening before he left for Iraq, so I responded with:

Hahaha yea it's true people would consider what we've done in the past as "dating". It doesn't freak or weird me out at all, but I do want to know why? Or what brought this up?

I wasn't expecting what came next.

i dont really know i just have been thinking about our friend ship alot latly and u and i have a better relationship than a lot of married people do and we have known each other for a long time. i could just see us being happy together

Now see this, this didn't make me all warm and fuzzy like you would expect. A normal person would get all gushy going "oh wow...he's over risking his life in the military, and he's thinking of me." Well, we all know I'm not normal. I got pissed. All I could think of was how he had put me on an emotional rollercoaster the whole time I've known him (not like he meant to for the most past), and now that he was HALFWAY AROUND THE WORLD, he realized I could be good for him? Wtf?! After I got over the initial anger, I started thinking more practically. I realized that he is over in the middle of a desert away from his friends and family. Of course he is going to be lonely, especially since a lot of the guys in his unit have left a girl behind. So, he could make it back to the states and soon as he is around all the civilian girls I will fall back into the "friend category". I discussed it with a couple friends, and they told me to turn him down. That it could just end up with me hurt again, and it wasn't worth it. You see, if he had told me he liked me and wanted to try before he was leaving, I would have been willing to wait the 6 months for him to return...but at this point, no. I gave him this response

I've been thinking about it and I guess the best answer I can give is "we will see what happens". There's still several months until then and things/emotions can change. *shrug* I'm kind of confused about a couple things but there is no point in getting into it... Ok?

Well, I think I was diplomatic about it. And then, we started instant messaging. And once again, my thoughts went to "oh man, just talking to him cheers my day and makes me smile". He's just, ugh...I can't even explain it. He is the one person that I can sit in total silence with and not have it be awkward at all, with no feelings of needing to even turn on the tv or fill a void. He knows exactly how to make me smile, to put me at total ease and make it so there is no such thing as stress anymore. He's completely right; we could be really happy together. So I took my advice, the discussions with my friends and the anger, and threw them out the window. I asked if the option to date was still on the table, and was delighted when he said it was up to me. I told him that I want to try, and we've been constantly talking ever since. We email back and forth for hours, generally between 3 pm and 10 pm (my time), and then yesterday because I was pulling an all-nighter, from 3 am on. We talk about silly stuff, serious stuff, him getting bombed and me getting showered in schoolwork, everything. It's just...ugh! I wish someone else had a person like this in their life so they could understand what I'm talking about. If I could take my heart out of my rusted shut iron rib-cage, I would fall in love with him in half a second. But, I'm too scared to be hurt again. I'm too afraid to get my hopes up and think I found someone to just have him take it back once he gets home to the States and back in his element.

Wow.... that was a dark moment

I am much better now lol. I had a fun time with the family on Monday, and I'm back to thinking positively. I've been way too lax about my diet lately, so I'm thinking I'm going to do a 3 day water fast to get the impurities out and start again. I want to be able to run until feel like I'm going to die lol. Well, or at least feel like I'm going to puke. I WILL get into the Marines. That isn't just a goal but it WILL happen. I'm too determined to not let it. I WILL get my degree in December, and I will STOP feeling sorry for myself about boys. They are just a distraction at the moment. I will have plenty of time for them when I have accomplished something with myself. If I let boys get on the brain then I will become very pathetic in feeling sorry for myself and I won't let that happen. I have too much going on to become dragged down by a non-consequential matter.

However, putting that aside, I did come to a conclusion today that while opposites may attract, they are not conducive to a good relationship. While it is healthy to disagree every once in a while, you cannot have a healthy relationship if you can't ever agree on anything. I was dating a guy that was like that. He was into politics and philosophy, and I'm into law and practicality. I listen to just about everything, he only listened to one type of music. I read many different types of books and he would ONLY read biographies/autobiographies or philosophical books. He believed that all drugs should be legalized and in 3rd trimester abortions, and I am solidly against that. The list went on and on and I realized that I was just getting too angry. Our debates had long gone past the friendly stage. He makes a good friend but wouldn't have made a very good boyfriend for me. It took a little while after that, but we are back to being on friend terms. That is very enjoyable.

Anyways, it is time for me to head out to class. Contracts may not be the most fascinating subject in the world, but at least we got past Consideration so maybe I will no longer get the urge to fall asleep in class.

The last one left much to be imagined, so I figured I need to expand. Life has been crazy, so I'm sorry I haven't posted. Work, school, family, friends, trying to get a future have taken over me and my brain.

I'm in such a bad place right now... I'm lonely. So incredibly lonely. The last time I cuddled or was really held by anyone was in fucking October. I've been shot down in one way or another by two different guys in the same week. I think that is a "personal best" for me. One totally boggled my mind because he told me a couple different times in the past month or two that he liked me, and I had even forwarded the texts to my best friend because I was so excited. On sunday he said that he's "never really had any romantic feelings about us" and doesn't ever remember saying something to the contrary. I asked manda if I was crazy and imagined the texts, and she said no that she remembers reading them. We can't figure out why he is saying this now or if something was just off with him then. I don't know. My brain won't let me drop this....it's so hard to know that I'm just, not likeable I guess. I'm so fucking tired of being so single! If I was dating that would be different but I'm not even doing that. It just sucks... I've been doing all these things that you think would make it easier to get asked out, not harder (and no I'm not talking about turning into a slut). I'm tired of making myself vulnerable by putting myself out there. I have people push me all the time telling me to, "say what's on your mind. Let them know what's going on. You will be amazed by what will happen." You know what happens? I get hurt. It's so much easier to just keep it to myself and wonder instead of actually letting it out.

I want to go get another tattoo. I like how it physically and mentally feels. It's actually a very gratifying experience and leaves me with something that is lasting. A visible memory instead of one just trapped in my head. God why can't I forget things? Stuff gets stuck in there and just stays....painful things stay. I play it over and over in my head if I have nothing else going on. Why does the world think I read and listen to music so much? Keeps the thinking at bay. Thinking is hazardous to my health....thinking is what gets me depressed. [wow did you notice the segue in there? I'm rather proud of that one].

I need to get out and meet people and add to my friends, try and be around new people that aren't all in a relationship/engaged/married unlike almost every single one of my friends are now lol.

This is a really good song that I just learned of - and no it isn't just the lyrics and my depressed self (if you want to see that look at the song after this one lol)

Nothing Could Come Between Us - Theory of a Deadman

Well I'm running back and forth from here to South Carolina
Wishing you were here, I guess I should watch what I wish for

You're right on time, so invite me in
this is where your trouble begins
But I like you better than the other ones
You say I'm right when you know I'm wrong
we could never just get along
Don't you hate when it gets stuck in your mouth
and then those words get in the way
She said...

Nothing could come between us
One of those favorite things that she used to say
That's just what she said
Nothing could come between us
Sorry to say but I don't feel the same

You're so damn relentless, and you will find,
the two of us are like two of a kind
But it hits you harder than the other ones
You said it loosely, when I'm just sitting here with myself
Don't you hate when it gets stuck in your mouth
and then those words get in the way
She said...

Nothing could come between us
One of those favorite things that she used to say
That's just what she said
Nothing could come between us
Sorry to say but I don't feel the same
Since home is where the hurt is

It's on your conscience, I'm not for sale
It's on your conscience, I'm not for sale

Nothing could come, oh nothing could come
She said...

Nothing could come between us
One of those favorite things that she used to say
That's just what she said
Nothing could come between us
Sorry to say but I don't feel the same
Since home is where the hurt is

Oh nothing, oh nothing, oh nothing
It's on your conscience, I'm not for sale

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lonely Day - System of A Down

Such a lonely day
And it's mine
The most loneliest day in my life

Such a lonely day
Should be banned
It's a day that I can't stand

The most loneliest day of my life
The most loneliest day of my life

Such a lonely day
Shouldn't exist
It's a day that I'll never miss

Such a lonely day
And it's mine
The most loneliest day of my life

And if you go,
I wanna go with you
And if you die,
I wanna die with you
Take your hand and walk away

The most loneliest day of my life
The most loneliest day of my life
The most loneliest day of my life


Such a lonely day
And it's mine
The day that I am glad I survived.

Depressed....

Bad week

I'm sorry that it's taken me so long to get back to writing in this....it's been one hell of a week

Saturday: Get told that I'm being dropped to 32 hours a month, then he says something that night about maybe making it 20 a month

Sunday: My debit card gets declined at the coffee shop - start sending out applications and resumes

Monday Morning: Check out the office of student life at my school to see if there is any help I can get with paying my last tuition installment - find out that I'm not eligible for anything AT ALL

Monday afternoon: Do online applications and send out resumes until a headache the size of texas completely takes over and I have to head home

Monday evening: As I'm taking a nap on my bed, my mom comes into my room and wakes me up. Informs me that my cousin Jim was found dead in his backyard, and when my cousin Sarah was told she got so stressed that she had a massive heart attack. She's in the ICU at Stevens.

Tuesday: Inform my teachers that I may miss a day of class at some point for a funeral for my cousin, and then I get made fun of in my writing class because I enjoyed the workshop story. Was going to go visit Sarah between classes, but chickened out. Last time I was alone with someone in a hospital setting, it was watching my grandfather dying in a hospice. Was too terrified of seeing something like that again so I couldn't go...feel so guilty.

Wednesday: Spend 3 hours writing a legal letter for my legal research assignment (and that doesn't include the 1.5 hrs of research on it, 1 hour creating a professional looking letterhead, plus the class time learning how a professional legal opinion letter is written). I was so proud of it, and my study partners were all wide-eyed over how good it sounded (and these are both women who've had legal dealings or jobs while I haven't had any experience). Print it out on nice business paper and take it home. Mom looks it over and spends 20 minutes writing 2 pages of notes of how I completely screwed it up. No longer proud of it.

Thursday: Turn in the letter to class, and yea....more negative stuff. Like having all my siblings at my house and celebrating Tyler's bday, but not being able to be there because I was frickin stuck in my Family Law class learning about child support payment plans.

Today: I dunno what all will happen because my day just started. However, on the bus I realized that I'm slightly jealous of my mom. She's always been so freaking pretty. She's aging amazingly, and her smile and laugh takes years off of her life. When she was in college she was so carefree, surrounded by friends and having to beat boys off with a stick, having daddy pay for everything while she got to go out and party. And I hate being so jealous of that...I feel so petty.

would you believe me

if I said that I was trying to get better at posting? Probably not. Stupid Kurtis and his whole "lets watch a tribute to the 90's music that we grew up with"....now I have Zombie by the Cranberries stuck in my head. It was really funny though...the girl who did it left little comments all over the different song videos, and on Zombie she put "Did you know that that song was written about war?"....all we could do was laugh and go "oh she must be a blond".

(completely random note but did you notice how perfect her teeth are? I think I'm in love with her mouth...it's so expressive as she sings)

I had to add Sweet Victory by David Glen Eisley after Zombie, because you can't have just one song about war... But don't worry, the second one is positive ^_^

And you know what else? I love the Sims 2 music videos that people are making...they are just awesome. So, I will post a couple here and you can subject yourself to them if you wish, if not that's fine.

And you know that I'm going to sound really crazy for saying this, but someone with the ability should make a SMV (sim music video) using Meatloaf's songs....he's awesome. Like the song 2 out of 3; that'd be an amazing video. This song is about a guy who has a woman in love with him but he can never be with her because he is head over heels in love with someone else, and that chick is in love with another guy. It'd make a good video I think. Very sad...it's a tragic love song. There aren't enough of those out there where the song basically goes "I love you, and I'll never ever be with you, so life sucks but whatever...I'm still in love". I'm not talking about some emo song or anything, but an actual love song about unrequitted love. Yes I know I'm morbid but damnit a lot of people go through things like that.

~~~~~~after taking a break to grab a pop and finish processing the videos~~~~~~~~~~

Carrying on from my statement before... People DO go through issues like that, and just because other people don't understand or get it cuz they've never BEEN through it doesn't make the first person emo or crazy. But I mean geez... For the people that say "life sucks" or "love sucks", it isn't about life or love sucking, it's about the circumstances AROUND those two situations sucking. I know what it's like to have someone "fall in love with you" and fall out of love with you just as quickly, leaving you behind confused and hurt, not understanding how they could drop you so fast that it made your head spin and took your heart with it. I've been cheated on and dumped for someone else, but I've never been in the situation like the one Meatloaf sings about. I don't know how I would handle it; being in love with someone I will never have, unable to love anyone else. Probably not well, but in the end I would handle it. I wouldn't give up. I wouldn't let it take me over. I wouldn't let other people judge me for it just because they haven't dealt with it. Ugh I don't even know why I'm writing about this so much. When I go back and read this, it probably won't make much sense even to me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In other news, I'm a coward. But I don't feel like writing why I am right now...I'll save that utterly depressing topic for another time.

short little blurb

I'm so very tired of douchebag ex's. Everytime you pull yourself out of the hole, they do something else to drag you back in. God he's the worst out of all of them, and I will never be rid of him.... sometimes I wish......I'm not going to complete that cuz it is a really awful thought.

oh dear oh dear

To start off with, I've decided that when I change topics I'm going to do a break of asterisks because, well, I'm kinda crappy at doing a good segue. My brain jumps around so much, and I usually end up taking you on a ride on that crazy roller-coaster right along with me. So I hope this helps a little bit

****************************************

So my mind has settled once again into one routine or another. No more angry thoughts, no more stressing over homework. I've gotten my stories done, legal assignment handed in, readings are up to date, so life is good. I've found a couple new obsessions lately though, lol.

I've decided that after I've saved up enough money, I don't want to get a car. I want to get a motorcycle. I know they aren't practical, but it sounds like the sort of thing I need right now. Yes, I need a death sentence lmao. Not really, but that's how some people view it. Look at it this way though: better for gas, automatic HOV lane qualification, easier to park, no need for insurance. Yay! Plus my parents haven't said anything negative towards it when I've brought that up around them. Double yay!

I've also become fascinated with thunderstorms. I love how they look! Plus, they are the ultimate adrenaline rush. Look at some of the pretty pictures:

Okay so maybe this last one to my left isn't a thunderstorm, but that is one damn awesome-looking sky. I mean honestly, look at it!

************************

Lately I've been having more and more nightmares, each night getting more vivid, more disturbing. I'm getting so frustrated waking up still tired the next morning. I talked to Kaleena about one of the dreams slightly, just mentioning it in a text. I asked her if she or Tyler are going to text us to let us know when she goes into labor, and she sent be back a text stating, word for word, "we're probably just going to call everybody when she's born. i doubt i'll be up to call during." Wtf??? Um labor doesn't get so intense that you can't let anyone know until a WHILE after it starts. It just seems so unfair, and totally plays into one of the less-scary dreams I had. (Basically, she had Amelia [I'm not going to say the 2nd part of it because I'm slightly superstitious and I'd rather not do anything to bring on something really bad] and no one bothered to tell me until 10 DAYS AFTERWARDS when I asked how overdue kaleena now was...) It's just like, "so let me get this straight....you aren't going to let ANY of your family know that she's coming into the world, only that she came?" What about all the new grandparents that will want to be there? I can understand if kaleena doesn't want them coming into her room at all, but not even letting them know so they can go hang in the lobby or something? Kaleena is SERIOUSLY taking something away from the family and she doesn't even realize it. That will hurt everyone, and I don't want that to happen...Pops has even taken Feb 14th off, not because it's Valentine's Day, but because it's Amelia's due date. Both the parents are convinced that kaleena, tyler, and amelia aren't going to be visiting very often, but not even getting to be there around the time of birth? I kind of want to cry for them, because I know how deeply wounded they are going to feel. But I don't know how to bring it up to Kaleena...

*************************

On Saturday night I went to church with my mom, and since it was a SatNight mass, it was casual clothes so no one looked sideways at my spiky hair and jeans. (Well actually a couple people looked sideways at my hair, but they were guys around my age and the looks weren't of a judgmental type, more of an appreciative glance. Yay?) Anyways, on a not-so-shallow point of the story, it was really nice. I've actually missed going to church. I've missed feeling so connected to people, I've missed the familiarity of the prayers, the overwhelming beauty of the music. It was so surprising. I thought I would feel uncomfortable or guilty since I haven't been in a church for a while, but I actually felt relieved, like something kind of came alive again. I'm definitely going to go again with my mom this saturday if she gets home from work in time. And I realized, that while I may not agree with everything the church says, and that I may have some beliefs different than that of the overall church, but I can't help but feel that there is something out there taking care of us. That we aren't here alone. And for all you fatalists out there, I DON'T BELIEVE THAT THE WORLD IS GOING TO END IN 2012! Maybe you are ready for your life to end, but I'm not. I'm finally going somewhere, and I'm going to keep on going.

**************************

I love my legal research class... It's hard, but I'm learning so much! For example, I can totally understand this cite:

WSRP v. WSPD, 141 Wn.2d 245, 281, 4 P.3d 808, 828 (2000).

And I was able to track down all different sorts of statutes, both state and federal, with not very much difficulty, and find stuff like this:

11 U.S.C. § 365(b)(1)(A), (C)

RCW 23B.02.020(1)(a)-(d)

It just feels so amazing to realize that you are getting it. That the $1,300+ you just spent on 12 weeks of learning and books is actually worth it. I feel so good right now, not because I'm bragging or because I feel smart. I just feel, accomplished.

********************

I'm going to finish this off with a few quotes I found today.

In 1872 it was once determined by Justice Bradley that "the paramount destiny and mission of woman are to fulfil the noble and benign offices of wife and mother. This is the law of the Creator". In 1973, Justice Brennan acknowledged "there can be no doubt that our Nation has had a long and unfortunate history of sex discrimination. Traditionally, such discrimination was rationalized by an attitude of "romantic paternalism" which, in practical effect, put women, not on a pedestal, but in a cage." The funny thing about this? It only took our country 100 years to realize this....how long had it taken other countries? How long WILL it take some countries?

"Life must be lived as play" - Plato

"Pour inventer, il faut penser a cote" Translated, "To invent, you should think sideways." - Paul Souriau

"Only when he no longer knows what he's doing does the painter do good things" - Edgar Degas

"Some writers confuse authenticity, which they ought always to aim at, with originality, which they never should bother about" - W.H. Auden

Entering my Confessional

Seriously, this thing is better than going and talking to a priest...or a psychiatrist. Are you ready to here me sound totally dorky? I figured out why I was so lonely yesterday, and it's all because of that STUPID short story we read. Actually, it wasn't stupid at all. It was brilliantly written, if you like minimalism. Which I do. It's how I write, can't you tell?

Ok so this is how Raymond Carver wrote "What We Talk About When We Talk About Love" (see image above since I can't figure this stupid thing out...and sorry the pic is so crappy). It's just four people sitting around a table in a kitchen, getting drunk and talking. It isn't a long story, so therefore you should read it if you haven't already.

It's so simple, yet makes you think. You compare yourself to the people in the story, and find yourself connecting to at least one of them on a face value. It's just a brief glimpse into an evening of their lives, but still....it hits you somewhere.

I found myself thinking that I'm one of the Terri's of the world. Always ending up with abusive guys, whether physically (former boyfriend) or mentally/emotionally (mel). While everyone thinks that you should have left them much earlier, you can't do it. Because let's face it, being with someone is easier than being alone, no matter how much of a jerk the partner really is. The only reason she left the physically abusive boyfriend wasn't because he was trying to kill her, but because she found someone else that she could cling her life onto. It's so sad, yet it's true. So many of us have been in Terri's position, over and over again, because we can't seem to find a good guy, but a bad guy is better than no guy at all. And people don't seem to understand the need to not be alone. It's almost like a fear, you dislike it so much.

But sometimes, love isn't all it cracks up to be. Let's step back to reality for a moment. Look at Adam. He's an amazing guy, and a great police officer. He made the hardest decision of his life by shooting and killing a man to save his fellow officers. The guy was committing "suicide by cop", but the media all says that Adam was in the wrong. He saved peoples lives, and everyone who wasn't there are PISSED AT HIM! And you know what's happening to Adam now? He's so sad, he's so heartbroken, his head is so messed up because he just took someone's life. And guess what, his girlfriend/fiance of 3 FREAKING YEARS said that she just can't deal with all this emotion and drama, and DUMPED HIM!!!! WHAT A BITCH! HE'S GOING THROUGH SO MUCH STUFF RIGHT NOW AND HE NEEDED HER NOW MORE THAN EVER AND SHE LEFT HIM! WHERE'S THE LOVE IN THAT???? LOVE IS SUPPOSED TO GET YOU THROUGH THINGS LIKE THIS, NOT ADD TO IT! THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS THAT I AM PISSED ABOUT RIGHT NOW, AND THIS IS ONE OF THEM!!!!

AND OMG, another one. Last night in Seattle a woman was in a motel room, screaming that a man had a knife and was trying to rape her. The police got there, and in fact it was true. The police were coming in through the window and he tried to bolt out the other side, a police officer busted down the door to get to the guy, as another officer shot him. The officer who busted thru the door had a serious heart attack. He's now at Harborview, fighting for his life in the Critical Care Unit. You know what people are talking about? "The poor guy who got shot". WTF?!?!? THE OFFICER IS DYING AFTER TRYING TO SAVE THIS 50'S/60'S YEAR OLD WOMAN, AND PEOPLE CARE ABOUT THE ATTEMPTED MURDERER?!?!? THIS ISN'T RIGHT! THIS WORLD IS SO SCREWY, AND THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO TO FIX IT! I feel so helpless... I know this officer. He's in Pop's squad, and he is a damn fine human being. Why is this happening??? Why can't I do anything to help people? I want to make a difference, but there is no way. I don't think that the world will end in 2012, but sometimes I wish that it would. Everyone is just so...inhumane. It's a sad day in my world when no one cares about life anymore.

sadness

I'm lonely....I don't know why I'm so lonely. Because trust me, doing prep-reading about Torts does NOT make you want to be around people. It's all about assault, battery, attempted murder, things like that....they definitely don't make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

I kind of want a boyfriend again....they always made me feel so special, in the beginning.... that they chose me.

But this isn't high school anymore....having a boyfriend doesn't solve any problems.

Well, it solves one.

But I don't have the time for one anyways....I just miss feeling close to someone, to get cuddled and held, to feel so cared about. I know my friends care about me, but it's different. I see these couples all over campus, hear my friends talk about their significant others...

I've already decided that I'm not dating anymore guys from my group...I don't wanna screw up any friendships that I have, and don't want to hurt any of them.

Ah man....I wish I had better stuff to write about. A relevation, some statement that could change the world. But I don't. Loneliness is the only thing I know right now. I know....pathetic, right?

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeergh....I need to buy a car so I can just get out there and drive. Driving is so relaxing....you never know where you are going to end up. It's kind of peaceful.

Oh something else that happened today: I got the strongest urge to go get something pierced or tattooed. Now, I don't have a single tattoo so I don't know why that would be such a big urge... But piercings? I think that I've pretty much hit my quota. So why the need to go do it?

Punk boys are hot....I want to kiss a guy with a mohawk. Lmao


Ashlee Simpson Invisible lyrics
Like a grain on the beach
Like a star in the sky
Far too many to count with the naked eye
They won't see you

Go ahead
Walk on by
You don't know I'm alive
Maybe one day you'll find
You should open your eyes
You don't know me

[Chorus]
You're the one who looked right through me
Now you're saying that you knew me
When I was invisible
And you're the one who walked right through me
Now you're saying that you knew me
When I was invisible

Little things adding up
Try so hard not to rush
Giving in, letting go of the world we know
They won't see you

Force it down
Lose the taste
They all think it's a waste
We don't need to believe every word they say, no
They don't know me

[Chorus]
You're the one who looked right through me
Now you're saying that you knew me
When I was invisible
And you're the one who walked right through me
Now you're saying that you knew me
When I was invisible

[Bridge]
It's so easy to be lost
But maybe you're not lost at all
Ohohohoh
Do you recognize me?
Ohohohoh
Do you know who I am?
Ohohohoh
Do you see me now?
Do you see me now?

[Chorus]
You're the one who looked right through me
Now you're saying that you knew me
When I was invisible
And you're the one who walked right through me
Now you're saying that you knew me
When I was oh invisible

I'm invisible, I'm invisible

Story time!

Not really....well actually, really. Had to write a 500 word story about a new love. Guess who's getting subjected to it? Besides my parents and my classmates.... That's right! Whoever reads this. Bwahahaha.... Don't judge me too harshly on this (because lets face it....who the crap am I to write about love? Like I have any experience with the real thing)


“Love is a verb here in my room….so thank you for being that kind of girl,” I sang along softly with one of my favorite Incubus songs. I love music; sometimes I seem to need it more than air. You can usually see me walking around campus with my headphones wrapped around my neck, anxiously awaiting the next appropriate moment to listen to a song or two. I can find music to match all of my friends and any situation I’m in. Music has been the only constant in my ever-shifting world. Suddenly I freeze, halting mid-lyric and ceasing my finger-drumming on my family law RCW’s. I can feel someone watching me. I’m almost always a complete dork, but I get immensely embarrassed if someone notices me. I knew that there had been other people in the study area, but most are too busy wrapped up in their own studies to care about me. I realize that I had stopped breathing as I felt that whoever had been watching me was approaching closer. All of a sudden I realized who it was, and I felt something inside slowly melt. It was him. My complication, my simplicity. The guy who made the struggle worth it, my sweet reward at the end of everything. I smile as I feel his arms wrap around me. Every time he touches me it brings me back to a memory of pure bliss.

I knew I was in trouble the day I could look him in the eye. I trusted him completely, allowing him to read everything in my expressive eyes. When he had reached out to touch my face, I squeezed them shut, not allowing him to see the fear gathering at having him get so close to the most vulnerable place on my body. I braced myself, half-expecting to be struck, a feeling leftover from my childhood. Instead, I felt the softest brush of his fingertips against my cheek. Startled, my eyes flew open and searched his face. He was looking down at me, a smile playing across his lips. It was then that I realized that he truly accepted me for who I am, quirks and all. He didn’t care that I had been considered damaged goods by some, cast out by others. It didn’t matter to him that I still had nightmares about the men in my family or clung to stuffed animals in my sleep. I felt a sob escape me as he pulled me to him. As I cried into his chest I realized, that for the first time in my life, everything was going to be alright.

Two weeks have passed since that day, a blur of classes, work, and happiness. I have never felt so complete in my entire life. He’s my best friend, my companion, my shelter against the storm of memories. I don’t know what brought him into my life, but I will never question it. For the first time, I feel loved.

Ewwwww

I had a completely-disturbing-on-so-many-levels dream last night. How so, you ask?

A) I was Paris Hilton

B) My parents were both divorced and had been arrested for sexual deviancy

C) While they were in jail I had bought their house, but now they were out of jail and refused to leave it

D) They were part of this "in-crowd" sexual thing where there is a chart of really disturbing sexual things that you do with people, and if you fill out the chart first you win.

E) I walked in on them....yea....with a kid

F) They both started groping me and basically trying to rape me because "sex with family member" was on there

G) I met a guy who I thought was really sweet and interesting, until we were making out, and he vomited in my mouth. Turns out that was on the chart

I woke up gagging and spitting. It was absolutely disgusting. I hate that dream. It is not a good way to start out the day of your sister's baby shower. This has been a really interesting week, and I had 2 rather bad days on Weds and Thurs (don't worry I'll explain later) but right now I am desperate for a shower, and I want to get all pretty-fied for the Shower that's at 2, and it's now 12:19

*wince*

I don't even want to say how long it's been since I blogged....I have dissappointed the daily blogging gods, and I will have to be flogged for the lack of blogs. Haha in my head it wasn't originally supposed to rhyme, but once I started to type it just popped out. Here's my issue: This is your brain (last post), this is your brain on LOTS of cold medicine (now). Oh my, children, don't try this at home. You know what I miss? The Magic Schoolbus. I hate you Joel, for bringing up that show yesterday. I also miss Bill Nye the Science Guy. He was awesomely awesome. Like, pee-in-your-pants-if-you-saw-him-on-the-street awesome. But then again, peeing in your pants can happen sometimes when you are 6 years old. Scratch that, I would probably still do that upon meeting him at the age of 20. I remember finding him attractive when I was younger.....strange. Must YouTube him.

Errrrrgh.....oh yea I mentioned cold medicine. Hence, that would naturally tip you off that I have a cold, unless you like to believe the dark rumors posted by the CIA that I'm a druggie. And oh man, this is ONE WHOPPER of a cold. We are talking the 24/7 urge to sneeze, the plugged nose, the deadened taste buds (which make it a LOT easier to take NyQuil), the balloon being inflated in the head, the headache, the feeling of half of your lungs having collapsed, the fever, the incredibly disgusting sounding sniffs, and the incredibly wet sounding cough.

So overall, I'm in perfect condition to start school again tomorrow.

Slash not.

Ooooooooooh....so for Christmas I was given a couple of giftcards to Barnes and Noble (I would like to thank my parents, Kaleena and Tyler, and God for this award) and I decided to put them to use a couple days ago. I bought New Moon (the second book in the Twilight series), She's The Man, and Sydney White (two Amanda Bynes movies - I love her to death her facial expressions are amaaaaaaaaazing). My parents fell in love with Sydney White (which I suggest that EVERYONE should see), and I read New Moon today....all 586 pages of it. Started it around 1 today, and took several breaks but finished it around 8. See what happens when I get sick? I actually sit down and read, but I get through an entire book and once again, I'm out of things to read. It's annoying! Anyways, I was going somewhere with the whole B&N thing...oh yea! I was reading a numeralogy book *cough*and drooling over the tarot cards *cough* and decided to see how the book described someone with the birthday of August 13th, since I find those really interesting...this is how it went:

People Born On August 13th

You often are spiritual, intuitive, and psychic-
though others may think you a bit strange.
You have a good mind and a strong will, but you
are stubborn and fixed in your views.
You have a strong need for love, but seldom share
your feelings - consequently, you suffer.
You need a home to be happy, but are not always
easy to live with; you may be dictatorial.
You are creative and practical, but sometimes have
difficulty reconciling these qualities.
You may be centered on self, home, and love,
but need a more universal look to rise above
self-imposed limitations.
You are dutiful and loyal.