The last one left much to be imagined, so I figured I need to expand. Life has been crazy, so I'm sorry I haven't posted. Work, school, family, friends, trying to get a future have taken over me and my brain.

I'm in such a bad place right now... I'm lonely. So incredibly lonely. The last time I cuddled or was really held by anyone was in fucking October. I've been shot down in one way or another by two different guys in the same week. I think that is a "personal best" for me. One totally boggled my mind because he told me a couple different times in the past month or two that he liked me, and I had even forwarded the texts to my best friend because I was so excited. On sunday he said that he's "never really had any romantic feelings about us" and doesn't ever remember saying something to the contrary. I asked manda if I was crazy and imagined the texts, and she said no that she remembers reading them. We can't figure out why he is saying this now or if something was just off with him then. I don't know. My brain won't let me drop this....it's so hard to know that I'm just, not likeable I guess. I'm so fucking tired of being so single! If I was dating that would be different but I'm not even doing that. It just sucks... I've been doing all these things that you think would make it easier to get asked out, not harder (and no I'm not talking about turning into a slut). I'm tired of making myself vulnerable by putting myself out there. I have people push me all the time telling me to, "say what's on your mind. Let them know what's going on. You will be amazed by what will happen." You know what happens? I get hurt. It's so much easier to just keep it to myself and wonder instead of actually letting it out.

I want to go get another tattoo. I like how it physically and mentally feels. It's actually a very gratifying experience and leaves me with something that is lasting. A visible memory instead of one just trapped in my head. God why can't I forget things? Stuff gets stuck in there and just stays....painful things stay. I play it over and over in my head if I have nothing else going on. Why does the world think I read and listen to music so much? Keeps the thinking at bay. Thinking is hazardous to my health....thinking is what gets me depressed. [wow did you notice the segue in there? I'm rather proud of that one].

I need to get out and meet people and add to my friends, try and be around new people that aren't all in a relationship/engaged/married unlike almost every single one of my friends are now lol.

This is a really good song that I just learned of - and no it isn't just the lyrics and my depressed self (if you want to see that look at the song after this one lol)

Nothing Could Come Between Us - Theory of a Deadman

Well I'm running back and forth from here to South Carolina
Wishing you were here, I guess I should watch what I wish for

You're right on time, so invite me in
this is where your trouble begins
But I like you better than the other ones
You say I'm right when you know I'm wrong
we could never just get along
Don't you hate when it gets stuck in your mouth
and then those words get in the way
She said...

Nothing could come between us
One of those favorite things that she used to say
That's just what she said
Nothing could come between us
Sorry to say but I don't feel the same

You're so damn relentless, and you will find,
the two of us are like two of a kind
But it hits you harder than the other ones
You said it loosely, when I'm just sitting here with myself
Don't you hate when it gets stuck in your mouth
and then those words get in the way
She said...

Nothing could come between us
One of those favorite things that she used to say
That's just what she said
Nothing could come between us
Sorry to say but I don't feel the same
Since home is where the hurt is

It's on your conscience, I'm not for sale
It's on your conscience, I'm not for sale

Nothing could come, oh nothing could come
She said...

Nothing could come between us
One of those favorite things that she used to say
That's just what she said
Nothing could come between us
Sorry to say but I don't feel the same
Since home is where the hurt is

Oh nothing, oh nothing, oh nothing
It's on your conscience, I'm not for sale

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lonely Day - System of A Down

Such a lonely day
And it's mine
The most loneliest day in my life

Such a lonely day
Should be banned
It's a day that I can't stand

The most loneliest day of my life
The most loneliest day of my life

Such a lonely day
Shouldn't exist
It's a day that I'll never miss

Such a lonely day
And it's mine
The most loneliest day of my life

And if you go,
I wanna go with you
And if you die,
I wanna die with you
Take your hand and walk away

The most loneliest day of my life
The most loneliest day of my life
The most loneliest day of my life


Such a lonely day
And it's mine
The day that I am glad I survived.