would you believe me

if I said that I was trying to get better at posting? Probably not. Stupid Kurtis and his whole "lets watch a tribute to the 90's music that we grew up with"....now I have Zombie by the Cranberries stuck in my head. It was really funny though...the girl who did it left little comments all over the different song videos, and on Zombie she put "Did you know that that song was written about war?"....all we could do was laugh and go "oh she must be a blond".

(completely random note but did you notice how perfect her teeth are? I think I'm in love with her mouth...it's so expressive as she sings)

I had to add Sweet Victory by David Glen Eisley after Zombie, because you can't have just one song about war... But don't worry, the second one is positive ^_^

And you know what else? I love the Sims 2 music videos that people are making...they are just awesome. So, I will post a couple here and you can subject yourself to them if you wish, if not that's fine.

And you know that I'm going to sound really crazy for saying this, but someone with the ability should make a SMV (sim music video) using Meatloaf's songs....he's awesome. Like the song 2 out of 3; that'd be an amazing video. This song is about a guy who has a woman in love with him but he can never be with her because he is head over heels in love with someone else, and that chick is in love with another guy. It'd make a good video I think. Very sad...it's a tragic love song. There aren't enough of those out there where the song basically goes "I love you, and I'll never ever be with you, so life sucks but whatever...I'm still in love". I'm not talking about some emo song or anything, but an actual love song about unrequitted love. Yes I know I'm morbid but damnit a lot of people go through things like that.

~~~~~~after taking a break to grab a pop and finish processing the videos~~~~~~~~~~

Carrying on from my statement before... People DO go through issues like that, and just because other people don't understand or get it cuz they've never BEEN through it doesn't make the first person emo or crazy. But I mean geez... For the people that say "life sucks" or "love sucks", it isn't about life or love sucking, it's about the circumstances AROUND those two situations sucking. I know what it's like to have someone "fall in love with you" and fall out of love with you just as quickly, leaving you behind confused and hurt, not understanding how they could drop you so fast that it made your head spin and took your heart with it. I've been cheated on and dumped for someone else, but I've never been in the situation like the one Meatloaf sings about. I don't know how I would handle it; being in love with someone I will never have, unable to love anyone else. Probably not well, but in the end I would handle it. I wouldn't give up. I wouldn't let it take me over. I wouldn't let other people judge me for it just because they haven't dealt with it. Ugh I don't even know why I'm writing about this so much. When I go back and read this, it probably won't make much sense even to me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In other news, I'm a coward. But I don't feel like writing why I am right now...I'll save that utterly depressing topic for another time.

short little blurb

I'm so very tired of douchebag ex's. Everytime you pull yourself out of the hole, they do something else to drag you back in. God he's the worst out of all of them, and I will never be rid of him.... sometimes I wish......I'm not going to complete that cuz it is a really awful thought.

oh dear oh dear

To start off with, I've decided that when I change topics I'm going to do a break of asterisks because, well, I'm kinda crappy at doing a good segue. My brain jumps around so much, and I usually end up taking you on a ride on that crazy roller-coaster right along with me. So I hope this helps a little bit

****************************************

So my mind has settled once again into one routine or another. No more angry thoughts, no more stressing over homework. I've gotten my stories done, legal assignment handed in, readings are up to date, so life is good. I've found a couple new obsessions lately though, lol.

I've decided that after I've saved up enough money, I don't want to get a car. I want to get a motorcycle. I know they aren't practical, but it sounds like the sort of thing I need right now. Yes, I need a death sentence lmao. Not really, but that's how some people view it. Look at it this way though: better for gas, automatic HOV lane qualification, easier to park, no need for insurance. Yay! Plus my parents haven't said anything negative towards it when I've brought that up around them. Double yay!

I've also become fascinated with thunderstorms. I love how they look! Plus, they are the ultimate adrenaline rush. Look at some of the pretty pictures:

Okay so maybe this last one to my left isn't a thunderstorm, but that is one damn awesome-looking sky. I mean honestly, look at it!

************************

Lately I've been having more and more nightmares, each night getting more vivid, more disturbing. I'm getting so frustrated waking up still tired the next morning. I talked to Kaleena about one of the dreams slightly, just mentioning it in a text. I asked her if she or Tyler are going to text us to let us know when she goes into labor, and she sent be back a text stating, word for word, "we're probably just going to call everybody when she's born. i doubt i'll be up to call during." Wtf??? Um labor doesn't get so intense that you can't let anyone know until a WHILE after it starts. It just seems so unfair, and totally plays into one of the less-scary dreams I had. (Basically, she had Amelia [I'm not going to say the 2nd part of it because I'm slightly superstitious and I'd rather not do anything to bring on something really bad] and no one bothered to tell me until 10 DAYS AFTERWARDS when I asked how overdue kaleena now was...) It's just like, "so let me get this straight....you aren't going to let ANY of your family know that she's coming into the world, only that she came?" What about all the new grandparents that will want to be there? I can understand if kaleena doesn't want them coming into her room at all, but not even letting them know so they can go hang in the lobby or something? Kaleena is SERIOUSLY taking something away from the family and she doesn't even realize it. That will hurt everyone, and I don't want that to happen...Pops has even taken Feb 14th off, not because it's Valentine's Day, but because it's Amelia's due date. Both the parents are convinced that kaleena, tyler, and amelia aren't going to be visiting very often, but not even getting to be there around the time of birth? I kind of want to cry for them, because I know how deeply wounded they are going to feel. But I don't know how to bring it up to Kaleena...

*************************

On Saturday night I went to church with my mom, and since it was a SatNight mass, it was casual clothes so no one looked sideways at my spiky hair and jeans. (Well actually a couple people looked sideways at my hair, but they were guys around my age and the looks weren't of a judgmental type, more of an appreciative glance. Yay?) Anyways, on a not-so-shallow point of the story, it was really nice. I've actually missed going to church. I've missed feeling so connected to people, I've missed the familiarity of the prayers, the overwhelming beauty of the music. It was so surprising. I thought I would feel uncomfortable or guilty since I haven't been in a church for a while, but I actually felt relieved, like something kind of came alive again. I'm definitely going to go again with my mom this saturday if she gets home from work in time. And I realized, that while I may not agree with everything the church says, and that I may have some beliefs different than that of the overall church, but I can't help but feel that there is something out there taking care of us. That we aren't here alone. And for all you fatalists out there, I DON'T BELIEVE THAT THE WORLD IS GOING TO END IN 2012! Maybe you are ready for your life to end, but I'm not. I'm finally going somewhere, and I'm going to keep on going.

**************************

I love my legal research class... It's hard, but I'm learning so much! For example, I can totally understand this cite:

WSRP v. WSPD, 141 Wn.2d 245, 281, 4 P.3d 808, 828 (2000).

And I was able to track down all different sorts of statutes, both state and federal, with not very much difficulty, and find stuff like this:

11 U.S.C. § 365(b)(1)(A), (C)

RCW 23B.02.020(1)(a)-(d)

It just feels so amazing to realize that you are getting it. That the $1,300+ you just spent on 12 weeks of learning and books is actually worth it. I feel so good right now, not because I'm bragging or because I feel smart. I just feel, accomplished.

********************

I'm going to finish this off with a few quotes I found today.

In 1872 it was once determined by Justice Bradley that "the paramount destiny and mission of woman are to fulfil the noble and benign offices of wife and mother. This is the law of the Creator". In 1973, Justice Brennan acknowledged "there can be no doubt that our Nation has had a long and unfortunate history of sex discrimination. Traditionally, such discrimination was rationalized by an attitude of "romantic paternalism" which, in practical effect, put women, not on a pedestal, but in a cage." The funny thing about this? It only took our country 100 years to realize this....how long had it taken other countries? How long WILL it take some countries?

"Life must be lived as play" - Plato

"Pour inventer, il faut penser a cote" Translated, "To invent, you should think sideways." - Paul Souriau

"Only when he no longer knows what he's doing does the painter do good things" - Edgar Degas

"Some writers confuse authenticity, which they ought always to aim at, with originality, which they never should bother about" - W.H. Auden

Entering my Confessional

Seriously, this thing is better than going and talking to a priest...or a psychiatrist. Are you ready to here me sound totally dorky? I figured out why I was so lonely yesterday, and it's all because of that STUPID short story we read. Actually, it wasn't stupid at all. It was brilliantly written, if you like minimalism. Which I do. It's how I write, can't you tell?

Ok so this is how Raymond Carver wrote "What We Talk About When We Talk About Love" (see image above since I can't figure this stupid thing out...and sorry the pic is so crappy). It's just four people sitting around a table in a kitchen, getting drunk and talking. It isn't a long story, so therefore you should read it if you haven't already.

It's so simple, yet makes you think. You compare yourself to the people in the story, and find yourself connecting to at least one of them on a face value. It's just a brief glimpse into an evening of their lives, but still....it hits you somewhere.

I found myself thinking that I'm one of the Terri's of the world. Always ending up with abusive guys, whether physically (former boyfriend) or mentally/emotionally (mel). While everyone thinks that you should have left them much earlier, you can't do it. Because let's face it, being with someone is easier than being alone, no matter how much of a jerk the partner really is. The only reason she left the physically abusive boyfriend wasn't because he was trying to kill her, but because she found someone else that she could cling her life onto. It's so sad, yet it's true. So many of us have been in Terri's position, over and over again, because we can't seem to find a good guy, but a bad guy is better than no guy at all. And people don't seem to understand the need to not be alone. It's almost like a fear, you dislike it so much.

But sometimes, love isn't all it cracks up to be. Let's step back to reality for a moment. Look at Adam. He's an amazing guy, and a great police officer. He made the hardest decision of his life by shooting and killing a man to save his fellow officers. The guy was committing "suicide by cop", but the media all says that Adam was in the wrong. He saved peoples lives, and everyone who wasn't there are PISSED AT HIM! And you know what's happening to Adam now? He's so sad, he's so heartbroken, his head is so messed up because he just took someone's life. And guess what, his girlfriend/fiance of 3 FREAKING YEARS said that she just can't deal with all this emotion and drama, and DUMPED HIM!!!! WHAT A BITCH! HE'S GOING THROUGH SO MUCH STUFF RIGHT NOW AND HE NEEDED HER NOW MORE THAN EVER AND SHE LEFT HIM! WHERE'S THE LOVE IN THAT???? LOVE IS SUPPOSED TO GET YOU THROUGH THINGS LIKE THIS, NOT ADD TO IT! THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS THAT I AM PISSED ABOUT RIGHT NOW, AND THIS IS ONE OF THEM!!!!

AND OMG, another one. Last night in Seattle a woman was in a motel room, screaming that a man had a knife and was trying to rape her. The police got there, and in fact it was true. The police were coming in through the window and he tried to bolt out the other side, a police officer busted down the door to get to the guy, as another officer shot him. The officer who busted thru the door had a serious heart attack. He's now at Harborview, fighting for his life in the Critical Care Unit. You know what people are talking about? "The poor guy who got shot". WTF?!?!? THE OFFICER IS DYING AFTER TRYING TO SAVE THIS 50'S/60'S YEAR OLD WOMAN, AND PEOPLE CARE ABOUT THE ATTEMPTED MURDERER?!?!? THIS ISN'T RIGHT! THIS WORLD IS SO SCREWY, AND THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO TO FIX IT! I feel so helpless... I know this officer. He's in Pop's squad, and he is a damn fine human being. Why is this happening??? Why can't I do anything to help people? I want to make a difference, but there is no way. I don't think that the world will end in 2012, but sometimes I wish that it would. Everyone is just so...inhumane. It's a sad day in my world when no one cares about life anymore.

sadness

I'm lonely....I don't know why I'm so lonely. Because trust me, doing prep-reading about Torts does NOT make you want to be around people. It's all about assault, battery, attempted murder, things like that....they definitely don't make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

I kind of want a boyfriend again....they always made me feel so special, in the beginning.... that they chose me.

But this isn't high school anymore....having a boyfriend doesn't solve any problems.

Well, it solves one.

But I don't have the time for one anyways....I just miss feeling close to someone, to get cuddled and held, to feel so cared about. I know my friends care about me, but it's different. I see these couples all over campus, hear my friends talk about their significant others...

I've already decided that I'm not dating anymore guys from my group...I don't wanna screw up any friendships that I have, and don't want to hurt any of them.

Ah man....I wish I had better stuff to write about. A relevation, some statement that could change the world. But I don't. Loneliness is the only thing I know right now. I know....pathetic, right?

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeergh....I need to buy a car so I can just get out there and drive. Driving is so relaxing....you never know where you are going to end up. It's kind of peaceful.

Oh something else that happened today: I got the strongest urge to go get something pierced or tattooed. Now, I don't have a single tattoo so I don't know why that would be such a big urge... But piercings? I think that I've pretty much hit my quota. So why the need to go do it?

Punk boys are hot....I want to kiss a guy with a mohawk. Lmao


Ashlee Simpson Invisible lyrics
Like a grain on the beach
Like a star in the sky
Far too many to count with the naked eye
They won't see you

Go ahead
Walk on by
You don't know I'm alive
Maybe one day you'll find
You should open your eyes
You don't know me

[Chorus]
You're the one who looked right through me
Now you're saying that you knew me
When I was invisible
And you're the one who walked right through me
Now you're saying that you knew me
When I was invisible

Little things adding up
Try so hard not to rush
Giving in, letting go of the world we know
They won't see you

Force it down
Lose the taste
They all think it's a waste
We don't need to believe every word they say, no
They don't know me

[Chorus]
You're the one who looked right through me
Now you're saying that you knew me
When I was invisible
And you're the one who walked right through me
Now you're saying that you knew me
When I was invisible

[Bridge]
It's so easy to be lost
But maybe you're not lost at all
Ohohohoh
Do you recognize me?
Ohohohoh
Do you know who I am?
Ohohohoh
Do you see me now?
Do you see me now?

[Chorus]
You're the one who looked right through me
Now you're saying that you knew me
When I was invisible
And you're the one who walked right through me
Now you're saying that you knew me
When I was oh invisible

I'm invisible, I'm invisible

Story time!

Not really....well actually, really. Had to write a 500 word story about a new love. Guess who's getting subjected to it? Besides my parents and my classmates.... That's right! Whoever reads this. Bwahahaha.... Don't judge me too harshly on this (because lets face it....who the crap am I to write about love? Like I have any experience with the real thing)


“Love is a verb here in my room….so thank you for being that kind of girl,” I sang along softly with one of my favorite Incubus songs. I love music; sometimes I seem to need it more than air. You can usually see me walking around campus with my headphones wrapped around my neck, anxiously awaiting the next appropriate moment to listen to a song or two. I can find music to match all of my friends and any situation I’m in. Music has been the only constant in my ever-shifting world. Suddenly I freeze, halting mid-lyric and ceasing my finger-drumming on my family law RCW’s. I can feel someone watching me. I’m almost always a complete dork, but I get immensely embarrassed if someone notices me. I knew that there had been other people in the study area, but most are too busy wrapped up in their own studies to care about me. I realize that I had stopped breathing as I felt that whoever had been watching me was approaching closer. All of a sudden I realized who it was, and I felt something inside slowly melt. It was him. My complication, my simplicity. The guy who made the struggle worth it, my sweet reward at the end of everything. I smile as I feel his arms wrap around me. Every time he touches me it brings me back to a memory of pure bliss.

I knew I was in trouble the day I could look him in the eye. I trusted him completely, allowing him to read everything in my expressive eyes. When he had reached out to touch my face, I squeezed them shut, not allowing him to see the fear gathering at having him get so close to the most vulnerable place on my body. I braced myself, half-expecting to be struck, a feeling leftover from my childhood. Instead, I felt the softest brush of his fingertips against my cheek. Startled, my eyes flew open and searched his face. He was looking down at me, a smile playing across his lips. It was then that I realized that he truly accepted me for who I am, quirks and all. He didn’t care that I had been considered damaged goods by some, cast out by others. It didn’t matter to him that I still had nightmares about the men in my family or clung to stuffed animals in my sleep. I felt a sob escape me as he pulled me to him. As I cried into his chest I realized, that for the first time in my life, everything was going to be alright.

Two weeks have passed since that day, a blur of classes, work, and happiness. I have never felt so complete in my entire life. He’s my best friend, my companion, my shelter against the storm of memories. I don’t know what brought him into my life, but I will never question it. For the first time, I feel loved.

Ewwwww

I had a completely-disturbing-on-so-many-levels dream last night. How so, you ask?

A) I was Paris Hilton

B) My parents were both divorced and had been arrested for sexual deviancy

C) While they were in jail I had bought their house, but now they were out of jail and refused to leave it

D) They were part of this "in-crowd" sexual thing where there is a chart of really disturbing sexual things that you do with people, and if you fill out the chart first you win.

E) I walked in on them....yea....with a kid

F) They both started groping me and basically trying to rape me because "sex with family member" was on there

G) I met a guy who I thought was really sweet and interesting, until we were making out, and he vomited in my mouth. Turns out that was on the chart

I woke up gagging and spitting. It was absolutely disgusting. I hate that dream. It is not a good way to start out the day of your sister's baby shower. This has been a really interesting week, and I had 2 rather bad days on Weds and Thurs (don't worry I'll explain later) but right now I am desperate for a shower, and I want to get all pretty-fied for the Shower that's at 2, and it's now 12:19

*wince*

I don't even want to say how long it's been since I blogged....I have dissappointed the daily blogging gods, and I will have to be flogged for the lack of blogs. Haha in my head it wasn't originally supposed to rhyme, but once I started to type it just popped out. Here's my issue: This is your brain (last post), this is your brain on LOTS of cold medicine (now). Oh my, children, don't try this at home. You know what I miss? The Magic Schoolbus. I hate you Joel, for bringing up that show yesterday. I also miss Bill Nye the Science Guy. He was awesomely awesome. Like, pee-in-your-pants-if-you-saw-him-on-the-street awesome. But then again, peeing in your pants can happen sometimes when you are 6 years old. Scratch that, I would probably still do that upon meeting him at the age of 20. I remember finding him attractive when I was younger.....strange. Must YouTube him.

Errrrrgh.....oh yea I mentioned cold medicine. Hence, that would naturally tip you off that I have a cold, unless you like to believe the dark rumors posted by the CIA that I'm a druggie. And oh man, this is ONE WHOPPER of a cold. We are talking the 24/7 urge to sneeze, the plugged nose, the deadened taste buds (which make it a LOT easier to take NyQuil), the balloon being inflated in the head, the headache, the feeling of half of your lungs having collapsed, the fever, the incredibly disgusting sounding sniffs, and the incredibly wet sounding cough.

So overall, I'm in perfect condition to start school again tomorrow.

Slash not.

Ooooooooooh....so for Christmas I was given a couple of giftcards to Barnes and Noble (I would like to thank my parents, Kaleena and Tyler, and God for this award) and I decided to put them to use a couple days ago. I bought New Moon (the second book in the Twilight series), She's The Man, and Sydney White (two Amanda Bynes movies - I love her to death her facial expressions are amaaaaaaaaazing). My parents fell in love with Sydney White (which I suggest that EVERYONE should see), and I read New Moon today....all 586 pages of it. Started it around 1 today, and took several breaks but finished it around 8. See what happens when I get sick? I actually sit down and read, but I get through an entire book and once again, I'm out of things to read. It's annoying! Anyways, I was going somewhere with the whole B&N thing...oh yea! I was reading a numeralogy book *cough*and drooling over the tarot cards *cough* and decided to see how the book described someone with the birthday of August 13th, since I find those really interesting...this is how it went:

People Born On August 13th

You often are spiritual, intuitive, and psychic-
though others may think you a bit strange.
You have a good mind and a strong will, but you
are stubborn and fixed in your views.
You have a strong need for love, but seldom share
your feelings - consequently, you suffer.
You need a home to be happy, but are not always
easy to live with; you may be dictatorial.
You are creative and practical, but sometimes have
difficulty reconciling these qualities.
You may be centered on self, home, and love,
but need a more universal look to rise above
self-imposed limitations.
You are dutiful and loyal.