I'm so bad at this!

All I can say is wow...snaps for me (sorry; Legally Blonde 2 reference). I think this is a personal best as far as the length in time between blogs. My last one was in May? What is wrong with me? Dumb dumb dumb. I guess that is all I can say. Life has been, well, life. Doing the school thing, doing the work thing, doing the trying to get into the military thing. It's very...difficult. I've wanted to give up so many times. It would be so easy to just walk away from school, walk away from U-Haul, walk away from all the stress of trying to balance everything. It's making me sick, making it so I can't sleep at night and am turning into a zombie during the day.

And oh man...you wouldn't believe all the fricking hoops I'm having to jump through for the Air Force. I understand that it's a very good military branch, but you would think that when someone gets the second possible highest score that you can receive for the USAF ASVAB that they would be really eager to get them in. Nooo... it's: get this court document [do you NOT KNOW that to get one of those documents reprinted I have to try and get the record unsealed? That it takes 5-7 weeks to just get approved to start trying to open the file? Why can't they just take the adoption agency's word for it?), get this paperwork from CapitalOne (to prove that I am trying to pay off my debt), have written statements as to both why I adopted out my child and why I got credit card debt (which besides owing several hundred dollars on my credit card I have good credit) that must be approved by the Comanding Officer or I can be disqualified from the AF, have official transcripts from my college to be approved for an improved ranking, applications, medical records from the birth and pregnancy that show I am healthy enough for service, VERY invasive physicals, and multiple other things. If one thing is wrong, that's it...I can't be in the Air Force. And my parents wonder why I'm stressed?!? I'm trying to run around gathering all these things, work every single chance I get, go to classes, and study, all without a car while under a time crunch, and they don't get why I'm having issues??? I'm paying rent, tuition, bus fare, school supplies, food, cell phone, and credit card, and my friends wonder why I never have money??? Argh! How can so many people not see past their own lives to try and understand what another person may be having to do?

Rant rant rant rant rant....I know. I'm sorry...I really am. I didn't get much sleep yesterday and have a lot on my mind. Though I've come to determine two different things: One has to do with a revelation about my self-image, and the other has to do with being honest with my self.

The first thing that I've realized and come to terms with is that I will never be the type of person that can be described as beautiful. I'm short, stocky, clumsy,, often shy, and one of the guys. I have a young face, choppy hair, and a cheerful attitude. Whenever someone is asked how they would describe me and my looks, they always answer with "you are cute!" At first this annoyed me because cute is how you describe a puppy or what a mother says about her child (or rather, what my mother says about me). A girl generally doesn't want to hear that she's cute; she wants to hear adjectives like sexy, beautiful, amazing, jaw-dropping, gorgeous, etc. But you know what? I'm happy being "cute". I like not constantly worrying about my looks or if my hair and make-up are perfect. I feel comfortable in both a dress and baggy jeans with layered shirts and a beanie. I'm happy being a tomboy. I enjoy being bouncy and laughing, making a total dork out of myself and cheering up my friends. And guess what? While "cute" may not turn heads like "beautiful", once someone gets to know me, they LIKE me. I don't need to be admired; I would prefer to be liked. I don't get insulted now that even with my 21st birthday being 2 days away I have people asking if I'm 16 or 17. Now, I can just laugh it off because hey...I'm happy just being who I am.

The second one is a little bit more frustrating I think...

I could very easily fall in love with my best friend. *raises eyebrow* not Kurtis or Manda. The third one. I know that I could love him, if I only let myself. Unfortunately, you remember the guy I mentioned in the last post? The one who kept changing his mind about liking me? It's him. I was good, I was fine, I was over it, until I got this:

so heres what im thinking caity, when i get back to washington we should go on a real date, which is weird cause we go out on what most people would consider "REAL" dates all the time as friends lol. i dont want to freak you out or anything cause were friends but just let me know what you think- laterz

and of course, this throws me through a loop. It just brings back what was happening before he left for Iraq, so I responded with:

Hahaha yea it's true people would consider what we've done in the past as "dating". It doesn't freak or weird me out at all, but I do want to know why? Or what brought this up?

I wasn't expecting what came next.

i dont really know i just have been thinking about our friend ship alot latly and u and i have a better relationship than a lot of married people do and we have known each other for a long time. i could just see us being happy together

Now see this, this didn't make me all warm and fuzzy like you would expect. A normal person would get all gushy going "oh wow...he's over risking his life in the military, and he's thinking of me." Well, we all know I'm not normal. I got pissed. All I could think of was how he had put me on an emotional rollercoaster the whole time I've known him (not like he meant to for the most past), and now that he was HALFWAY AROUND THE WORLD, he realized I could be good for him? Wtf?! After I got over the initial anger, I started thinking more practically. I realized that he is over in the middle of a desert away from his friends and family. Of course he is going to be lonely, especially since a lot of the guys in his unit have left a girl behind. So, he could make it back to the states and soon as he is around all the civilian girls I will fall back into the "friend category". I discussed it with a couple friends, and they told me to turn him down. That it could just end up with me hurt again, and it wasn't worth it. You see, if he had told me he liked me and wanted to try before he was leaving, I would have been willing to wait the 6 months for him to return...but at this point, no. I gave him this response

I've been thinking about it and I guess the best answer I can give is "we will see what happens". There's still several months until then and things/emotions can change. *shrug* I'm kind of confused about a couple things but there is no point in getting into it... Ok?

Well, I think I was diplomatic about it. And then, we started instant messaging. And once again, my thoughts went to "oh man, just talking to him cheers my day and makes me smile". He's just, ugh...I can't even explain it. He is the one person that I can sit in total silence with and not have it be awkward at all, with no feelings of needing to even turn on the tv or fill a void. He knows exactly how to make me smile, to put me at total ease and make it so there is no such thing as stress anymore. He's completely right; we could be really happy together. So I took my advice, the discussions with my friends and the anger, and threw them out the window. I asked if the option to date was still on the table, and was delighted when he said it was up to me. I told him that I want to try, and we've been constantly talking ever since. We email back and forth for hours, generally between 3 pm and 10 pm (my time), and then yesterday because I was pulling an all-nighter, from 3 am on. We talk about silly stuff, serious stuff, him getting bombed and me getting showered in schoolwork, everything. It's just...ugh! I wish someone else had a person like this in their life so they could understand what I'm talking about. If I could take my heart out of my rusted shut iron rib-cage, I would fall in love with him in half a second. But, I'm too scared to be hurt again. I'm too afraid to get my hopes up and think I found someone to just have him take it back once he gets home to the States and back in his element.